IF I DIE YOUNG
June 7, 2011: 12:30 pm: Seoul Funeral Home:Seoul, Korea
Lee Sunny couldn't think of anything she hated more than funerals. They were dark, depressing, and a painful reminder of lost life. The preachers could go on all they wanted about funerals being a "celebration of life," but Sunny couldn't comprehend how anything that caused this much sadnesscould be considered a celebration.
Her funeral started in thirty minutes. Sunny should have been inside with her dad, Mr.Lee, and Sooyoung; especially Sooyoung. She had stayed at her bestfriend's side during the memorial service the day before; making sure that Sooyoung ate, holding her hand and rubbing her back when she cried, and, most importantly, helping her finish the song she'd prepared for her.
The wake had been a little too much for Sunny. She needed some alone time before the funeral, and she needed someone to talk to. She saw Hyomin's car pull up, waving sadly as the young girl jogged up to her.
"Hey, Sunny," Hyomin said, pulling her into a tight hug. "I got here as fast as I could. How are you holding up?" she asked, pulling back to examine her friend.
Sunny shrugged. "Okay, I guess. Better than Sooyoung and Tiffany, that's for sure."
Hyomin sat down on the steps of the funeral home, gesturing for Sunny to sit next to her. "What happened exactly?" she asked. "All they said when they pulled you out of exams was that someone from your former members had died."
Sunny let out a shaky sigh. "Yeah," she whispered. "Jessica Jung. You remember her, right?" she asked. "The little brunette with the amazing pipes."
Hyomin nodded. "The one that killed "barbie" at Tokyo dome?"
"And she was Elle Woods in Legally Blonde The Musical," Sunny added.
"How did she die?" Hyomin asked softly.
"Ironically enough, from a berry aneurysm," Sunny replied with a sad smile. "I didn't see it happen, but I guess she tripped backstage at Tokyo dome and hit her head on Yoona's Luggage. They took her to the hospital, but the doctors said she was perfectly fine. Anyway, Wednesday at Soshi practice, she got into a huge argument with Tiffany. For about an hour and a half afterwards, she was complaining that she had a headache, she was slurring some words, and she kept 'zoning out'. Finally, towards the end of practice, she collapsed. She never woke up."
"So," Hyomin started. "The argument caused the aneurysm to burst and the hemorrhage killed her?"
Sunny nodded. "That's what they think. Tiffany is blaming herself. She thinks that if she hadn't started the argument with Jessica, Jessica would still be alive. The coroner said that the aneurysm would have burst eventually, that it was only a matter of time, but Tiffany won't listen to anyone."
"Wow," Hyomin whispered. "Poor Tiffany."
"Sooyoung's taking it the hardest, though," Sunny added, earning a confused look from Hyomin. "She was her girlfriend," Sunny explained. "They had just gotten back together in March after a few months apart, and things were going really well. They were, for lack of a less clichéd description, head-over-heels in love."
Hyomin sat shell-shocked, absorbing the information. "Damn," she finally said. "That sucks."
Sunny laughed mirthlessly. "Tell me about it. I'm the one who's been charged with keeping Sooyoung from going off the deep end. I can barely hold it together enough to comfort her. She was my friend too," she whispered, her voice breaking.
Hyomin put an arm around Sunny, allowing Sunny to cry on her shoulder for a few minutes. Finally, Sunny straightened up, wiping her tears away and checking her phone for the time. "We should get inside," she said hoarsely. "The funeral will be starting soon. Are you sure you're okay doing this?" she asked Hyomin as she followed her inside.
Hyomin nodded. "You need someone to lean on today. I'm here for you, Sunny ah. That's what friends are for," she replied honestly.
Sunny led Hyomin into the funeral home, making her way to the front of the room. Jessica's father were seated in the very first row next to a distraught Mrs.Jung and Krystal. Mrs.Choi sat on Mrs.Jung immediate left, Sooyoung in between her and Soojin. Sunny sat down next to her father, motioning for Hyomin to sit in the empty seat to her left. Eventually, Krystal approached them, and Sunny had Hyomin move over one seat so she could sit in between her two friends.
Sunny scanned the funeral home, looking for familiar faces. Most of the mourners were Jessica's extended family, but Sunny did see some people from the Entertainment. Super Junior and SHINEe were sitting towards the back, dressed in identical black suits. President Lee and Thomas were there, along with several teachers and managers.
The entire second row was made up of SNSD members. Yuri and Seohyun sat on either side of Tiffany, attempting to comfort her. Miss Dana and her husband sat in the third row.Some off other groups also present.
The somber music that filled the room died down, and the rabbi took his place at the pulpit. He droned on about the tragedy of losing one so young and turning to God in dark times. It was painfully obvious that he hadn't known Jessica at all. Sunny jiggled her foot impatiently, wanting it to be over.
"Now, as I understand," the rabbi concluded. "Dana The Grace, the guidance counselor at SME, has something she would like to share. Mrs. Hong?"
Sunny watched Dana approach the pulpit with surprise. She hadn't known that she was that close to Jessica, but she could see barely contained tears shimmering in her large, doe eyes.
Dana was trembling as she reached the pulpit. She let out a shaky breath, and then began. "For the longest time, I didn't know the real Jessica Jung. I only knew the person that she projected to the world; confident, talented, totally self-assured, and somewhat abrasive. Lately though, I've come to know the true Jessica; the Jessica that was scared, insecure, and unsure. I also got to know a girl that was sweet, caring, and ambitious. She had dreams far greater than any of her members, and she was going to reach them.
"Jessica started coming to my room every Friday after a trainee of SME attempted suicide in February. The event affected her deeply, and we had a lot of conversations about mortality. During our last session, Jessica expressed the fear that, if she died young, many of the people in her life wouldn't know how she truly felt about them. I suggested that she get those feelings out; write letters, sing a song."
Dana signaled to someone off to the side, and a multi-media screen descended behind her. "The day she died, Jessica came to my Room in the morning and gave me this. She asked me to keep it in case anything was to happen to her. When I questioned that request, she told me that she had a funny feeling that something bad was going to happen. This was her last wish; if she died, she wanted this played at her funeral."
The lights dimmed as Dana returned to her seat. The media screen flickered blue, then became an image of Jessica in her bedroom. Everyone drew in a breath. The date stamp was May 31, 2011, the night before Jessica died.
The video started. Jessica cleared her throat nervously, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. "Hi," she started. "If you're watching this, I am so sorry. I hope you aren't in too much pain. Because if you're watching this, I'm dead.
"There are some things I need to tell you all, now that I'm gone. These are things I never got the courage to tell you in person, and now it's too late. I want you to know that I am being completely and totally honest. I'm not going to hold back."
"Sica." They heard Sooyoung's voice from behind the camera. "You don't have to do this now."
"No, Soo," she insisted. "I have to do this. This is important." She took a deep breath, and then started.
"First, to my dad. Thank you so much for everything you've done for me. I am truly blessed to have you as father, and I couldn't ask for better parents. Thank you for always pushing me to be the best. Thank you for encouraging me, for supporting me, and for picking me up when I fall. You mean the world to me, and I love you so, so much. I know you'll miss me, and I'll miss you too, but know that I am always with you. Goodbye. I love you."
Jessica took a drink of water from the glass on her desk, and Mrs.Jung gave a strangled sob, recognizing the gold star glass she had given Jessica the year before.
"Next, to my mom," Jessica continued, setting the glass back down. "I want you to know, Mom, that I don't blame you for anything you've done. I had an amazing life with a wonderful father and amazing baby sister all because you were strong enough to let me go. That being said, I wish we could have had more time, Mom. One year wasn't nearly enough for me. I wanted to get to know you. I wanted to have that mother/daughter relationship I always dreamed of. I love you, Mommy. I'm going to miss you."
"Krystal?" Jessica smiled a bit. "My baby sister.I'm sorry I wasn't so close to you,I sorry I'm not the best sister you could ask for but remember this Krys, I love you with all my heart.There no one in this world can replace my baby sister." Jessica wiped the tears that fall from her cheeks."You are stong Krys,You have F(x) members with you,Cherish them.Represent the Jung to the world,always remember I always be with you"
Mrs.Choi held Mrs.Jung as she cried, comforting the woman she barely knew. On the screen, Jessica wiped away more tears, continuing her goodbyes.
"Mr. Lee. What can I really say?" she asked. "Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for everything that you've taught me. Thank you for helping me see that every star deserves the chance to shine. Thank you for teaching me how to be humble and gracious and accepting of everyone's talent. You've taught me more than you can ever know, Mr. Lee, so thank you.
"Dana Unnie, again, what can I say? Thank you for listening. I never realized that I needed someone to listen until you were there. Thank you for never allowing me to give up on myself. Thank you for building me up, for making me feel special. I'll always cherish the advice you gave me. Thank you, and good luck."
Jessica stopped for a moment, letting silent tears flow. Sooyoung handed her a tissue, and she accepted it gratefully. She took a couple of deep breaths before continuing.
"To all of the members of Girl Generation and SME idols. Thank you. Thank you for being my friends, despite all of the stupid, selfish things I've done. I am so sorry for all of the drama I've caused over the last fourteens years. Thank you for forgiving me. I do have more to say to all of you, and I'm going to spit it out today, so nobody can argue it," she said with a small laugh. The second row smiled all linking hands. In the front row, Sunny and Hyomin huddled closer, their arms around each other.
"Im Yoona," she started with a smile. "You are, without a doubt, one of the most talented girls I've ever met. It amazes me how you can be so optimistic and outgoing, considering everything you've been through. It was wonderful to see you finally smile at Christmas. I believe you're going to be a great dancer one day. Don't give up on that dream, Yoong. You can make it happen, I know you can.the transformation I've seen in you is incredible. You used to be so shy and quiet, but now you're so relaxed in the spotlight. I love the way you dance, Yonna ah. I wish I could dance like you.
"Kwon Yuri, you better prepare yourself, girl. You're going to be getting a lot more solos now, and you deserve every one of them. You're an incredible singer and dancer, not to mention you've got one hell of a tackle." A ripple of quiet laughter went through the funeral home. "Break a leg, Yuri ah.
"Kim Taeyeon, I know we haven't been good for each other long, but you've already made an impression on my life. You're an amazing leader and an incredible girl. Don't let anything get you down, Tae. You're gonna do great things" She paused for awhile.
"Tae," she continued, taking another breath. "Life has thrown you so many curveballs, and I've watched you fight your way through all of them, mostly alone. You're strong, Tae, but you can let yourself be weak sometimes. No one would blame you for that. You have friends that are going to be there, no matter what. Remember that."
Sunny took a sharp breath in. She knew Jessica, and she knew that she would leave Sooyoung's goodbye for last. That also meant that it was hers turn next, and she didn't know how to handle what she was about to say. Hyomin grasped Sunny's hand harder, her hand trembling. She would come right after Sunny and, from the look on her face, she was just as unprepared as she was. They looked at each other, smiling nervously.
"Sunny. Oh gosh, Sunny, where do I begin? I'm sorry that I let competition stand in the way of our friendship. We are so different! You the sun and I'm the Winter but These past few years have proved that we can be friends, and I loved the opportunity to get to know you as a friend. Thank you for your friendship and for showing me what it means to be brave. I miss having you around all the time,I gonna miss your aegyo, but I know this is all for the better. You're happy now, Sunny, and I'm happy for you. Don't let anyone take that happiness away from you."
She paused for a moment, draining the water from her glass. "Hey, Soo?" she asked. "Could you refill this for me? You can just use my bathroom."
"Yeah, of course." Sooyoung was briefly on camera, disappearing through a door. Jessica glanced back at the bathroom cautiously before going on.
"One more thing, Sunkyu ah," she said softly. "Take care of Sooyoung, please. She's going to need you."
Sooyoung reemerged, handing Jessica the glass of water before vanishing behind the camera. She took a drink and then went on.
"Tiffany." Tiffany's head snapped up, focusing on the screen. She wondered if there was anything Jessica Jung could say that would make her feel less numb. She doubted it, but she listened anyway. "I don't really know how to tell you this." Jessica sounded uncomfortable, shy, scared even. Tiffany didn't blame her. She had never been anything but a total bitch to Jessica when they arguing, and now she couldn't even say sorry to her face. Jessica had probably died hating Tiffany's guts, and Tiffany couldn't help but think that she deserved all this guilt and misery.
Jessica took a deep breath. "I know what you're thinking, Tiff, and it's not true. I don't hate you. I never hated you. I love you, and, in the beginning, I was scared to death of you. But I always admired you. You were never timid about anything. You're the type of person that can walk into a room and just own it. There's something special about you, Tiff. It's something raw, maybe even undiscovered as of now, but it's there. You've got to find it, and you've got to own it.
"Seohyun the Maknae." Jessica smiled, fiddling with her necklace. "You were completely right when you said you were more talented than any of us. You've got something special that nobody else I know has. You have your faith; your faith in everything good and pure in the world. That's something special, Seo. Don't ever let go of that. And don't ever let anyone tell you that you're anything less than amazing."
"I won't," Seohyun whispered, eliciting chuckles from some of the mourners. She looked to Yoona, upset, and she squeezed her hand.
"It's okay, Seo," she whispered. "We know she heard you."
Jessica took another drink of water, her hand trembling as she pushed more hair behind her ears. "Kim Hyoyeon," she said, smiling sadly. "I never told you how much I appreciated you sticking up for me all those times. Words cannot express how much your friendship has meant to me. There's a good women inside of you, Hyo. You should let people see that side of you more often. Keep yourself out of trouble. I don't know how you ever put up with me, but thank you. I'm so grateful that we got to be friends, and I know I'm leaving in very capable hands. You were never one to hold back, Hyoyeon, so please don't start now. I love you, girl.."
Jessica took a shuddering breath, continuing softly. "Suju oppa,TVXQ oppa,F(x)SHINEe,and other idols, I know we're not the greatest of friends. We don't even know each other that well, but I wish I would have had more time to get to know you. Thank you for everything you sacrificed to join SME. We needed you more than you know, and I'll be eternally grateful for your help. I really hope that you decide to stay in SME forever. It's given me memories that I'll cherish forever, and our fellow idols are really good people. They're the best friends I've ever had, they will always be there for you, and they'll accept you just the way you are. That's what I love about them, and that's what I'll miss the most about them."
Jessica had barely finished before she broke down. Sooyoung was at her side immediately, comforting her. After a few minutes, she pushed away slightly, muttering, "I'm fine."
Sooyoung frowned. "Are you sure?" she asked uncertainly.
"Yeah," she nodded. "You should probably get home," she added.
"I don't have to leave," she protested. "I can stay and help you finish."
Jessica shook her head. "No, Soo. the members wanted you home early tonight. Just go; I don't want to get you into trouble. Besides, my camera's almost dead. I'll finish this tomorrow."
Jessica and Sooyoung left the room together. The camera played on, recording nothing but Jessica's empty bedroom for a few minutes. They heard footsteps and doors closing before Jessica appeared back in front of the camera. "Sorry I lied to you, Soo," she said. "I just couldn't say what I need to say in front of you." She was playing with the ring on her left ring-finger; the promise ring that Sooyoung had given her as a combination birthday/annieversary/Valentine's Day present.
"I want to start by saying that I love you, Soo. I will never stop loving you. It still amazes me that I'm lucky enough to have you love me back. Thank you for giving me another chance. I don't think you realize how happy that made me.
"I hate myself for doing this to you, Soo. I hate that I'm leaving you after promising that I never would. I hate myself for breaking that promise. I wish I were still with you, Soo. I never wanted to leave. This isn't fair; not to any of us. But especially not to you. You don't deserve to be suffering the way you are. You're too good to suffer like that.
"You have to promise me something, Choi Sooyoung. Promise me that you won't do anything stupid. You have to keep living for me, Soo. Don't give up. Let your friends and your family help you. That's what they're there for. And help anyone that's having a rough time with this. I know you can do it. You're a good person. It's one of the many reasons I love you."
Jessica wasn't bothering to control her tears anymore, but she paused to collect herself. "There's one more thing, Soo. I want you to be happy. I know that it won't happen immediately. You'll probably fight it longer than you need to. Don't be afraid of happiness, Soo. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but you will be happy again some day.
"I'll never truly leave you, Soo," she whispered, her voice breaking. "Whenever you feel sad or lonely or scared, remember that I'm still with you. I gave you the biggest part of me I could give, and I'm not asking for it back. My heart was, is, and always will be yours. I'm not saying goodbye to you, Soo, because I can't. I can't. So, I'll leave you with this; I am forever yours, and I love you, I love you, I love you."
Jessica took a moment to compose herself before addressing the camera again. "I didn't know how to express everything else I wanted to say except through a song. This song pretty much speaks for itself, so just listen."
Jessica sat down at her keyboard and started to play. She played the introduction to The Band Perry's "If I Die Young," and began singing in a pure, haunting voice:
If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
Uh oh, uh oh
Lord make me a rainbow. I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors
Oh and life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby
The sharp knife of a short life
Well I've had just enough time
If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
The sharp knife of a short life
Well I've had, just enough time
And I'll be wearing white when I come into your kingdom
I'm as green as the ring on my little, cold finger
I've never known the lovin' of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand
There's a boy here in town says he'll love me forever
Who would have thought forever could be severed by
The sharp knife of a short life
Well I've had just enough time
So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls
What I never did is done
A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell them for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'
If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
Uh oh (uh, oh)
The ballad of a dove (uh, oh)
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep 'em in your pocket
Save them for a time when your really gonna need them, oh
The sharp knife of a short life
Well I've had just enough time
So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls…
Jessica turned to face the camera again, smiling through her tears. "Looks like I don't have much time left, so I'll make this short and sweet. Thank you. Every one of you has impacted my life in such a monumental way. There will never be enough words to express my gratitude. I'm going to miss all of you so much. Thank you for taking the time to listen. Goodbye, everyone. I love you guys."
The camera captured one last moment of Jessica smiling sadly before the screen went black. The room was silent, except for muffled sobs. The lights came back up, the media screen rose, and the rabbi reappeared at the pulpit, breaking the silence awkwardly. "There's not really much I can say after that. For all who wish to attend, the burial will be held at 5 pm in the Seoul Cemetery. Peace be with you."
"And also with you." Sunny murmured the words with the congregation, slumping back against her chair. Krystal wandered away to find her parents, leaving Sunny and Hyomin alone.
"How are you?" Hyomin asked quietly, squeezing Sunny's shoulder.
Sunny shrugged. "That was…a lot to take in," she admitted.
Hyomin smiled. "I know what you mean. That was intense for me, and I barely knew Jessica." She glanced at her watch. "Look, I have to run. I've got a T-ara thing, and I'm already going to be late. Will you be okay here with your friends?"
"Yeah, we'll be fine," Sunny replied.
Hyomin patted her on the shoulder. "See you, Sunny."
"Bye."
After Hyomin left, Sunny watched her friends and family. Hyoyeon,Taeyeon, and other idols were all talking, sharing memories of Jessica. There was even some laughter over some of her crazier schemes, though their grief was still obvious.
Yuri and Tiffany were sitting alone, their arms around each other. They weren't talking, content with having someone to hold on to. Tiffany caught Sunny's eye and gave her a little smile that faded quickly. She looked better though; her eyes less haunted, her posture less subdued.
Yoona and Seohyun were talking with Mr. Lee and Dana Unnie. Eventually they got corralled into the larger group. Dana Unnie handed Hyoyeon a DVD case, asking her a question that caused the girl to roll her eyes. Sunny wasn't certain, but she thought that Hyoyeon would probably be making copies of Jessica's goodbye video for everyone she had mentioned.
Sunny's roving eyes found Sooyoung last. Her bestfriend was sitting with Mrs.Jung and Mr.jung. Sooyoung was talking, Mr. Jung was listening, and Mrs.Jung was staring at her hands folded in her lap, tears running down her face. At one point, Sooyung said something to Mrs.Jung that caused her to stare at her in surprise before breaking down entirely. She buried her face in her hands, her body racked with sobs. Sooyoung looked uncertainly at Mr. Jung, and then she did the only natural thing she could think of; she hugged her.
Sunny smiled to herself watching all of these interactions. True, they had all been shaken to the core. True, they were going to be stitching up their wounds for a long time. True, things would never be the same without Jessica, but they would recover. Sunny had been absolutely right when she said goodbye to Hyomin; they were going to be fine.
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So how was it? it is good enough :P if you want to read more of this, do check my profile at Que's Collection
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